To love… and to mold
The hardest days of healing, are when you feel as though you are slipping backwards. You wake up with those negative thoughts and feelings in your head. When you were doing so well, feeling empowered and strong, these momentary slides backwards into your victim mentality suffocate your spirit. And you almost feel like you’re back in the abuse all over again. On these days, I initially repress and suppress, ignoring the whispers of self doubt and self loathing. This works initially, but eventually those negative thoughts will get louder and more pressing, and that’s when the explosive triggers begin to happen. Negative thoughts and feelings start coming up like zombies.
For a year and a half this was my life. I was in complete denial of how bad the abuse was and how it had wreaked havoc on who I was as a human being. I was determined to rise from the ashes, and be the survivor that would be strong and powerful. Yet I couldn’t keep momentum, I couldn’t keep those memories and hateful moments buried. And neither could my children. It affected us at a deep cellular level. I remember I once I saw an experiment done on water and rice. This scientist had three jars of rice and water. One he showered with love, and praising thoughts. The second one he ignored completely. The third he said hateful things and focused negativity on it. He did this for weeks and he found that the rice that had love sent love too never showed signs of molding. The jar of ignored rice just started showing signs of mold. The third jar he sent hate towards was completely full of mold. When I saw this experiment, I wept for an hour. All I could keep thinking was that I was that moldy jar of rice.
Sometimes I still feel like my cells and my blood are over run with a mold I cannot quite quiet. Ignoring the mold and pushing it away and into the shadows only perpetuated its growth. I had to figure out a way to acknowledge its existence without hate. And that’s why I paint and write poems. I expelled the hate and sadness that I feel within me onto the world in a safe and creative way. A way can accept and rejoice in. Even if I am not entirely happy with my work (persfectionist) having worked towards something… anything.. gives me small slivers of hope that keep the mold at bay. So on the days I feel like I am sliding back towards the mold, unwittingly attributing to its growth, I just stop and acknowledge its presence. Most importantly I acknowledge that I was NOT responsible for its initial creation. However, I am responsible for it now. All on my own, and I WILL not add to its insidious growth. I will send it the love and acceptance it deserves, and I will express it outwards. I will create something beautiful in response to its sad existence. Even in days like today when I want to just fall into the darkness, and never emerge. Wanting to become one with the mold. Perhaps, in the end I can create empathy and beauty with the mold I have been given in this life. I am sending love to everyone and particularly to their secret shameful moldy spots within their soul. Just know that mold grows within us all. But maybe love can keep it from overtaking us completely.
Wishing all your souls the best this world has to offer
The Pink Raven