Chickadee

Waking up, choking for air

Day after day, night after night

I begged for signs

To show I wasn’t slowly suffocating

Although I already knew I was

I had dreams of asphyxiation

The air being taken from my lungs

A pressure consistently pushing me towards the earth

As if I was destined for the grave

A pressure that could not be ignored

I used to pray to God and whoever would listen

Send me a sign that death is not chasing me

Usually I would pray for birds

Angels within nature, to alleviate my pain

All I got in answers

Was dead birds on the doorstep

Chickadee Chickadee Chickadee dee dee

I use to sing to my children, calling them my little chicks

Now dead chicks are on my doorstep

Where did they come from?
How did they get there?

No signs of a mother

No signs of remorse

No signs of an egg that had encapsulated them and kept them safe

Chickadee Chickadee Chickadee dee dee

My children screaming and crying

Chickadee Chickadee Chickadee dee dee

What are you trying to show me little dead birds?

Why are you so naked and alone?

What has happened to you?
Please God show me another sign

Show me that I am safe
That this was just a sad coincidence

A week later death came to my doorstep again

Chickadee Chickadee Chickadee dee deee

Another dead nestling laying on the ground

This time my chicks were not there to weep at its presence with me

The scared and palpable vulnerability of that naked bird

The metaphor too disturbing to allude

This time I take a longer look at the dead bird

Knowing in my heart that this was no longer just a coincidence.

Chickadee chickadee chickadee dee dee

It was slimy and pale

No feathers and a face that shrieked

You’re not safe

The gentle rawness of its naive endangerment

It continues to shiver me to my core

Who prays for angels and gets death on their door?

Little dead broken birds I can look at you no longer

Please stop coming to me in my dreams

Chickadee chickadee chickadee dee dee